INTRODUCTION - LURCH #13

Although we are not fond of advice, particularly career advice, one old saw remains a favorite: "Do what you love, and the money will follow." Now, we certainly don't have any evidence to suggest that this is in fact true, but we do like to lay it on folks that tell us they "love animals" or "love Barbra Streisand." In the first case, they might be able to get a job in some "specialty" porno gig, and in the second case, well, that job's already taken by James Brolin. But we at LURCH are eternally hopeful that by following this advice, a pecuniary reward will come our way. We consider ourselves fortunate to have discovered what we love -- drinking. Admittedly, it hasn't proven very profitable yet, but we are keeping our eyes on the prize. Hence, the theme of our thirteenth issue of LURCH Magazine: "Money."

How did we come to this subject? After all, despite our high production values, LURCHers are not as flush as, say, Mario Andretti. Yet, our relationship with money is similar to that of the guy waving the flag at the Indy 500 finish line, flailing wildly at those dollars and cents as they streak past and disappear in a cloud of exhaust and dust. And we won't even mention the acrid smell of burning rubber....

To quote another famous race car driver, Emerson Fittipaldi, "When are yousa dudesa gonna ta writa an issue abouta SEX?" Yeah, we hear this all the time. It's the most frequently asked question put to LURCH editors, right after "What the hell is your problem?" and "Are you sure you want another?" Frankly, it's a question we've asked ourselves. The idea of an issue dedicated to sex has come up at just about every planning meeting since 1995. Some of you out there, particularly those of you who accost us at Freddy's Bar after a couple of beers, have slurred something cocky like "You don't have the guts to do a sex issue!" We know you're secretly hoping for some lowbrow, scurrilous, quasi-porno shite, or you believe we're too chickenshit. Not so.

There's already been so much said about sex -- in the form of pornography, greeting cards, sonnets, symphonies and slo-jam house mixes -- that our contribution would not make much of a dent. We at LURCH decided to cut to the chase, and go for the really profane topic of MONEY. Think sex is dirty? How many times a day do you think about money? Who amongst us hasn't degraded themselves for money? Or done something unpleasant or downright vile because of it? Or felt violated? Been violated? We know. Everybody knows. Let the candy-ass, pretty-boy 'zines devote issues to sex. LURCH ain't afraid to get nasty....

LURCH Magazine is a cash cow for the wastrels of the other borough, Brooklyn. Our subscription manager, Angus MacFagin, informs us that four issues will set you back twelve shekels. That's a savings of four dollars to stuff in a mason jar or under the mattres (leaving off the last "S" for shineola). Every issue has a theme, the next (number 14) being "Cowboys and Indians" (and not only rustlin' a mess o' beef jerky from a Seven Eleven). Submissions should be sent to the address on the masthead: prose pieces should be limited to 5 single-space pages. Poets, please do not submit more than five poems at a time -- there's only so much that we can take. Be on the lookout for the deadline date for issue number 14 (Summer '00).

So take our advice: do whatever you love, but take a little time out to follow the money. Read on for our look at the root of all evil, including adventures with Mickey Mouse, street buskers, the obesity epidemic, a perfect world for the fiscally unfit, the international student loan shark cabal, low stakes at the betting shop, and the high price of condoms. It's all here. In the words of the immortal Scottish poet, "Ken ya spare us a quid, mate?" In God we trust (sort of).

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